The Family’s Dance Steps Are Too Close for Comfort?
Welcome back to the Life Balance Advantage Podcast.
In today’s episode — the third in our five-part family wellness series — we explore the often invisible line between connection and control within family dynamics.
Hi, I’m Mark Armiento. Over the past 40 years working with individuals and families, one truth keeps surfacing:
Too much closeness in families can be just as damaging as too much distance.
Let’s unpack today’s three core insights:
- How families instinctively resist change (even healthy change)
- How enablers unintentionally support dysfunction
- How unclear boundaries create emotional overwhelm — or emotional starvation
Families and the Need for “Normal”
Every family has a rhythm — a dance. When that rhythm is disrupted by change, whether good (like a wedding) or challenging (like a divorce), families instinctively try to re-stabilize.
But here’s the trap:
Even if the old dance was unhealthy, many families still try to return to it.
Like a thermostat maintaining a fixed temperature, the family system works hard to preserve what it knows — even if what it knows is painful or dysfunctional.
The Role of the Enabler: Feeding the Elephant in the Kitchen
Do you remember the “elephant in the room” metaphor? It’s the obvious problem no one wants to talk about.
The enabler is the one who quietly feeds the elephant — who maintains the illusion that everything is fine.
“She’s just tired.”
“He’s under pressure at work.”
“Don’t bring it up — you’ll make it worse.”
Enablers aren’t bad people. They’re often the most caring. But in their effort to keep the peace, they protect the very patterns that need to change.
Boundaries: Too Close, Too Far… or Just Right?
Healthy families have clear boundaries.
Unhealthy families either:
- Enmesh (too close): Everyone is in everyone’s business. Voices are stolen. Space is violated.
- Disengage (too distant): People are emotionally absent, uninvolved, or unaware of each other’s lives.
Real-Life Example:
- A 12-year-old girl is asked a question in session, and her mother answers for her.
- A father learns during therapy that his teenage son is now in high school — and didn’t know.
These aren’t extreme cases. They’re everyday signs of blurred boundaries.
Enmeshment feels like suffocation. Disengagement feels like abandonment.
Either way, the result is the same: emotional confusion, anxiety, and a loss of personal identity.
And Once Again… Self-Medication Fills the Gap
When people can’t express themselves safely within the family unit, they often turn to something else for comfort:
- Overeating, overdrinking
- Constant “busy-ness”
- Obsessive scrolling
- Numbing emotions with substances or silence
This is the cycle we’re here to break.
Weekly Reflection: Are You Too Close or Too Far?
This week, reflect on these Life Balance Advantage questions:
- What is my current level of commitment to my own self-care?
- Are there family members I feel overly responsible for — or completely disconnected from?
- Why are those relationships unhealthy, and how are they affecting my energy?
- What life balance goals matter most to me right now?
You don’t need to fix it all today.
You just need to wake up to what’s true — and begin the shift toward clarity.
Next Episode: When Love Isn’t Love — It Takes Two to Tango
Next week, we’ll explore the unhealthy closeness that masquerades as love… but is really control, guilt, or fear.
Until then, I encourage you to take my free online course
Waking Up to the Life Balance Advantage
→ Available now at gavinsvillage.com
Until next time,
Believe you can heal.
And the happiness you deserve will be yours.
Know you’re blessed. Be well.
—Mark Armiento
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