What elephant in the kitchen?
Welcome back to the Life Balance Advantage Podcast.
If you’ve ever found yourself wondering why certain family patterns never seem to change—or why everyone is ignoring the obvious—this episode is for you.
Hi, I’m Mark Armiento. For over 35 years, I’ve helped individuals and families become aware of the unconscious patterns that shape their lives. Today’s episode kicks off a five-part series exploring family dynamics—the unspoken “dance steps” we inherit, repeat, and can learn to change.
In this first part, we’ll explore:
- What it means to live within your family’s “dance”
- How to recognize the unspoken “elephant in the kitchen”
- The hidden costs of self-medicating to cope with family stress
Let’s begin.
🩰 The Family Dance: You Move, They Move
Families move together in patterns—often without realizing it. Think of the mobile that hangs above a crib. If one piece moves, they all move. That’s the family dance.
When one member changes behavior, everyone else must adjust—sometimes in ways that are unconscious and unhealthy. In family therapy, we see this all the time.
Example:
Waldo, a father of three, secretly resumes drinking after years of sobriety. His wife Walden notices the change but avoids confronting him because he lashes out when challenged. Over time, Waldo retreats from the family. His kids and spouse stop depending on him. The whole household adapts—to silence, guilt, and emotional distance.
That’s the family dance. When one person spirals, the others shift to keep things “balanced,” even when it’s dysfunctional.
🐘 What’s the Elephant in the Kitchen?
You’ve probably heard the phrase “elephant in the room.” I call it “the elephant in the kitchen”—because family tension often simmers around the dinner table.
It’s the obvious problem no one talks about. Maybe it’s dad’s drinking. Mom’s anger. A sibling’s depression. Financial strain. Unspoken grief.
Whatever it is, everyone sees it, everyone feels it, but no one says a word.
When the elephant stays unaddressed, it becomes part of the family decor—looming, heavy, and invisible only because no one has the courage to name it.
🍷 Self-Medicating: The Silent Adaptation
So how do people cope with dysfunctional family dynamics? Many self-medicate.
Not always with substances—though alcohol and drugs are common—but with habits that distract, numb, or soothe.
In my book and course, I call them the Ten Dark Enemies—six external and four internal.
External enemies:
- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Food
- Sex / Toxic Relationships
- Gambling, Overspending
- Obsessive Social Media / Technology
Internal enemies:
- Negative Thinking
- Self-Doubt
- Procrastination
- Resentment
These are coping mechanisms, not cures. They mask pain instead of healing it—and they perpetuate the family dance.
🧭 Your Weekly Life Balance Reflection
This week, ask yourself honestly:
- Is anyone in my family self-medicating—myself included?
- How is that behavior affecting the rest of the family dynamic?
- Is there an “elephant in the kitchen” we’re all pretending not to see?
No judgment. Just awareness.
Then reflect on these four Life Balance Advantage self-check questions:
- What is my current level of commitment to self-care?
- Do I realize I am a work in progress—and that’s okay?
- What are my most urgent and important goals regarding life balance?
- Am I able to control my mental, emotional, and verbal responses to life’s challenges?
We’ll revisit these in upcoming episodes.
🔮 Coming Up Next…
In our next podcast, we’ll dive deeper into the hidden rules families live by—and how those rules can pull you into the quicksand of self-medication.
Until then, I invite you to explore more on gavinsvillage.com, including my free course:
Waking Up to the Life Balance Advantage.
Remember—you can heal yourself. And the happiness you deserve will be yours.
Know you’re blessed. Be well.
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