Family Rules

The Quicksand of Self-Medication

Welcome back to the Life Balance Advantage Podcast.
Today’s episode is a powerful follow-up in our five-part series on family systems and emotional well-being.

Hi, I’m Mark Armiento. After nearly four decades of clinical and educational work, I can say this with confidence: your family’s unspoken rules may still be guiding your life. Often without your awareness.

Today, we’ll explore:

• How families create unspoken (and unchallenged) rules
• The 3 toxic rules that dominate self-medicating households
• The natural stages of family life — and how stress reshapes them
• The key differences between healthy and unhealthy families

Let’s shine some light on the invisible scripts running the show.

Spoken vs. Unspoken: The Rules You Didn’t Know You Were Following

Every family has rules. Some are clearly stated:

“Be home when the streetlights come on.”
Others? Never said — only felt.
“Don’t ask dad for the car if he’s in a bad mood.”
“Don’t talk about mom’s drinking.”

These are covert rules, and most of us didn’t agree to them — we just absorbed them.

You only find out you’ve broken one after the emotional backlash hits.

The 3 Rules of Dysfunctional Families

In families where self-medication (addiction, numbing, denial) is common, three unwritten rules almost always emerge:

1. Don’t Talk
   • What happens in this house, stays in this house.
   • Secrets are protected at all costs.
2. Don’t Trust
   • Don’t trust outsiders.
   • Be suspicious of authority or people who want to help.
3. Don’t Feel
   • Keep your emotions in.
   • Vulnerability is weakness. Sadness, fear, and anger? Suppress them.

These rules are protective in the short term — but destructive over time.
They silence healing, block intimacy, and perpetuate cycles of pain.

The 7 Life Stages Every Family Moves Through

As we grow, so do our families — evolving through seven predictable (but often stressful) stages:

1. Childhood / Adolescence
2. Unattached Adult (Singlehood)
3. Committed Couple
4. Family with Young Children
5. Family with Adolescents
6. Launching Children / Empty Nesting
7. Family in Later Life

Each stage invites growth, challenge, and adaptation. But when a family is stuck in toxic patterns or bound by rigid rules, transitions become crises, and stress becomes quicksand.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Families: How to Tell the Difference

Let’s compare the two across key categories:

“Most families aren’t broken — they’re sleepwalking.
But when you wake up, you break the cycle.”

The Quicksand of Self-Medication

In episode #38, I introduced The Ten Dark Enemies — the habits people use to avoid family pain.

These include:

• External habits: Alcohol, drugs, sex, overeating, compulsive shopping, tech addiction
• Internal patterns: Negative self-talk, self-doubt, procrastination, resentment

These enemies numb stress… but they deepen dysfunction.
They replace conversation, connection, and healing with habits that mask pain.

Weekly Reflection: Where Are You in the Dance?

This week, ask yourself:

• What family rules (spoken or unspoken) still influence me today?
• Are any of them blocking me from connection, trust, or healing?
• What’s my commitment to self-care right now — truly?

And most importantly:

Am I willing to break the rules that no longer serve me?

Next Podcast: “What If the Family Dance Steps Are Too Close for Comfort?”

In our next episode, we’ll look at enmeshment, boundaries, and the emotional claustrophobia that occurs when families get too tangled in one another’s lives.

Until then, I invite you to take my free online course
Waking Up to the Life Balance Advantage
→ available now at gavinsvillage.com

Remember:
You can heal yourself.
And the happiness you deserve will be yours.
Know you’re blessed. Be well.

—Mark Armiento